About my trip

This blog documents my latest attempt at becoming the world’s foremost social media travel influencer as I visit Vietnam for three weeks.

Departing April 3 and returning April 25, I’ll end up visiting some of the following places:

  • Hanoi, the capital
  • Sapa, with all them terraced rice fields
  • Ha Giang, perhaps the most beautiful spot in the country
  • Ha Long Bay/Cat Ba Island, with big rocks coming out of the water
  • Ninh Binh, the base for exploration of “Ha Long on Land”
  • Phong Nha-Ke Bang, a national park known for its pristine, unexplored caves and filthy, unexploded land mines
  • Hoi An, a good place to buy a lantern that will be impossible to bring home and a custom-tailored suit I’ll wear once every five years
  • Mekong Delta, a place I expect to be too exhausted to bother with
  • Ho Chi Minh City, whose name origins befuddle historians to this day

The trip begins with a (deep breath) 16-hour flight to Taipei, where I’ll mill around with seemingly every surgical-masked person that side of the International Date Line for three hours before heading to Hanoi. From Hanoi, I’ll explore the stunning northern scenery of mountains, karsts, and coastline (often all at once). Then I’ll head southward along whatever the Vietnamese equivalent of the Gringo Trail is until finishing in Ho Chi Minh City. Finally, it’s back to Zombietown, Taiwan before a 13.5-hour flight home.

Here is a map of places I may visit. I’m playing this trip a little by ear, so I’ll pick destinations as I go based on how my fancy’s been tickled.

On this trip, I expect to be:

  • So pun-happy you’ll want to banh mi from blogging, but your disappointment is all pho naught because I’m in it to Nguyen it
  • Comparing and contrasting Vietnamese propaganda to that of all the other Pinko nations I’ve previously explored
  • Obnoxiously bellowing “Ho, ho, ho!” while touring the Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum
  • Preparing my self to be as snooty as possible about how much better real Vietnamese food is than what we get in Houston
  • Maybe considering thinking about looking into renting a motorbike to tour the northern mountains for a few days
  • Getting ripped off by whatever boat tour operator I choose to tour Ha Long Bay
  • Cycling around the flat roads of Ninh Binh, and of course taking the bike of some sweet jumps
  • Exploring caves, cleverly asking where the “Baht Cave” is, and being left to die in a cave for confusing Vietnamese with Thai
  • Visiting touristy Hoi An, being stampeded by touts and tourists alike
  • Resigning myself to living out the rest of my days sobbing gently on a street curb

Past shenanigans: